A Pervert, a Snake and a Scarhead
by Toirneach
Summary: Bumblewhore and Voldemort are both lusting for a certain black-haired teen. Who will get Harry first? And will Harry ever recover from his next mental scar? BEWARE, RATED M FOR A REASON!


AN: Well, this is my first fanfic! An extremely pervy one, that will scar you( Like Harry), so turn back while you can.

Or else….

Enjoy this pure craic fic!

(Oh and I own none of theses twisted characters, Trolling Rowling does.)

Voldemort hissed in annoyance. But then on the other hand he always hissed, so it left him with a boring effect on his slaves. Or as they like to call themselves 'Deatheaters' even though they didn't even eat the dead bodies of the innocent they killed. Voldemort did that once. He decided that he only liked eating men. Tasty, tasty men.

"Phew, I'm wrecked."

The sweet British accent of a certain black-haired, green eyed boy filled the air. Voldemort turned his head to the sound and gave a little snakey smile. Making hand signals, he ordered the slaves to follow.

"STUPEFY!"

Voldemort ran toward the unconscious body, smiling triumphantly. His grin then faded however, when he inspected the boy further. But no... This wasn't the boy... This was a mere muggle! Voldemort screamed in rage.

"It's a set-up! That dim witted DumbleWHORE has got the boy already! Come on! We must fly to Hogwarts then!" Voldemort ranted on and roared orders at the deatheaters. Soon all the them were high up in the sky, with Voldemort leading them. They were going back to Hogwarts! While flying, Voldemort conjured giant wings of a butterfly to help him fly, rather than a broomstick, after all they do have the word 'stick' in them. Voldemort couldn't afford to have another orgasm, like last time. To keep himself occupied he sang softly under his breath.

"And to witches and wizards and magical beast's"

"Goblin and ghost's and magical beasts,"

" It's all that I love t and it's all that I need,"

"at HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS!"

Meanwhile in Hogwarts...

"Professor, please, I still don't understand. What kind of danger was I in? And why did you have to bring me all the way to Hogwarts?" Asked a very confused Harry.

"All in good time Harry, all in good time..." Soothed the headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. The sixteen year old boy lowered his gaze, chewed his lips and thought how much he was in love with Edward Cullen. Oh, wait, wrong fanfic. So instead the adolescent's eyebrows furrowed, as he tried to figure out what was going on. All he knew was that Dumbledore appeared at the front of his door in the early hours of seven o'clock, when Harry was taking a shower. The seriously-old-male-who-no-one-knows-what-age-he-is-and-has-a-few-criminal-records-of-child-rape (Mostly boys) explained nothing, only stating that Harry was in peril Danger. So Harry apparrated (Yeah, I can't spell shit.) with Dumbledore, giving a little goodbye wave at another boy called Ralph, who looked creepishly like Harry, but then on the other hand, you'd have to be a total Dickhead to confuse them, as Ralph always wore a horrified expression, as through he had just witnessed his parent's doing it. Which he did probably did see, judging by the amount of bed creaks heard from the other house. (Which was two miles away.)

"Harry, could you please wait here for a moment? It's getting late and I need to change into my pyjamas." Dumbledore murmured, interrupting Harry from his train of thought. Harry nodded politely, in reply. As Dumbledore left the office, Harry frowned. The headmaster had been acting a little ... Strange. He'd been asking strange questions like

"Excuse me Harry, but could you hold my WAND?" or

"I think they're still a couple more SORCERER STONES left."

"I've heard you love to fly on broomSTICKS."

Then the old man would then burst into a fit of perverted laughing, leaving Harry completely baffled.

Harry began to wait for Dumbledore to return. 1 minute passed...2 minutes passed...3 minutes passed... 245 minutes passed... The Sleepy, sexy-but-he-don't-know-it teen jerked awake. According to the clock on the wall (Which was shaped rather strange, like a sausage, with two meatballs at the end), it was now nearly midnight.

Holy Dobby's crap, what was taking the headmaster so long? Did his ageing mind make him easily lost? Or was he perhaps in... Danger? Whilst Harry pondered these thoughts, a raspy voice filled the room.

"Harry."

Harry craned his neck his neck around to find Albus looking at him in a creepy manner. None the less, Harry felt relieved. That was before he saw what the Headmaster was wearing.

Dumbledore was wearing some sort of see-through dress, with high heels and … Make-up?

Harry's jaw plummeted.

DUMBLEDORE WAS A CROSS-DRESSER! Or... was this what Dumbledore usually wore before bedtime?

But still, it was no excuse for him to wear it in front of Harry.

"PROFFESSOR! Please! Change into something more appropriate!" Yelled the horrified boy in... well, horror.

Dumbledore just simply ignored Harry's words and said in the same voice he used when he said WANDS.

"But Harry, I think it's VERY appropriate. But you're right, I should change into something different. Or perhaps ... nothing..."

Then, much to Harry's throwing-up gaze, he slipped off the dress.

Harry couldn't take it any more. He ran to a nearby open window and threw-up all the sausage's Dumbledore had offered him earlier on. Honestly, this was worse than the time he saw Voldemort sticking out of Quirrels head. Far worse, because at least Voldemort didn't have wrinkles covering his whole body! (And the wrinkles really did cover up every SINGLE bit.)

"Aw, Harry, you seem rather sick. I know what will make you feel better..." The headmaster began but was cut off by Harry as he sprinted for the door, screaming as he went.

"Now, now Harry..." Scolded the headmaster and with a flick of his wand. ( Yeah BOTH wands.) He shut the door, trapping the petrified victim in. Then with another *flick* he turned the light source red, and sexy, pole-dancing music could suddenly be heard. Finally with a last WHOOSH of his wood, (I mean wand! I mean magical wand! I mean wand that you shoot spell... out... of... Well you know what I mean, if I haven't perverted your mind too badly) an extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-extra- large king sized bed appeared.

Harry knew what was going on now. All those 'twinkles' in his eyes, all those perverted jokes and all those mysteriously vanishing young boys.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Screamed Harry as Dumbledore made a lunge for him. The old man then cast yet another spell.

"SEXAPHIA"

Harry fell back on the bed, finding himself butt naked. And then the butt-naked form of Dumbledore loomed over him.

"NOOOOOOOOO! STOP!

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a shatter of glass filled the room. Harry breathed a sigh of relief, as Dumbledore's form retreated. His relief was short-lived however as none other than Voldemort appeared. He had giant butterfly wings on his back, and he too, was butt-naked. By then Harry fell back on the bed...unconscious...

Voldemort's point of view:

I eventually told my minions to scatter, as they still wouldn't stop looking at my beautiful body. I only took of my Cloak as I had decided to become a nudist. I tried to convince the others to join nudism, but I guess they were too self-conscious about their body. But hey, their problem. They'll never experience the joy of being able to piss without having to take down your pants or feeling the cool air, blowing through your crotches. Ahhhhh, this was the life...

God, if the sky was a man, he'd have been raped by now.

Suddenly-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH"

A terrified scream broke Voldemort's sexual-fantasy's and he realised with a sudden pang of excitement, it was the boys voice.

Making haste, he flew quickly, his wings beating faster than ever. Hogwarts loomed into mist and Voldemort immediately rushed to one of the towers, where the headmasters office was, Voldemort would know. He did get raped there after all.

Voldemort gathered speed, then crashed right through the window, spraying the room with glass. Scouring his snake-like eyes, he found the boy on the bed, nude and losing unconsciousness. Over him was none other than Barny the dinosaur. Well, Dumbledore dressed as Barny. (It was his tactic to lure young boys, as some weren't fooled by the 'I need someone to help move the ice-creams in my {white} van.')

"Why hello Dumbledore, it's been a while since I last saw you." Voldemort hissed out.

Dumbledore merely smiled in response, then asked politely-

"Hello Tommy. Remember when I used to call you that? Remember those Winter nights, when you got cold in your dormitory and snuck into my office, to cuddle in my bed?"

"All I remember is that you dragged me from my own bed and had a threesome with your house elfs (Who really do, do what their told) and me." Snarled back Voldemort, flinching as memories swarmed inside his head.

"That's a matter of opinion." Stated Dumbledore calmly.

"Well, matters aside, give that amazingly-sexy boy to me this instant! I WANT HIM!" Ordered Voldemort. Dumbledore looked thoughtful for a moment then gave Voldemort a twinkle-eyed smile.

"You know, were all naked, beside a bed and gay..."

"Harry isn't."

"He soon will be though..."

"Good point"

Dumbledore then looked down at his limp Cock and muttered with his wooden wand-

"ERECTIONIS!"

Voldemort gave Albus a superior gaze and did his erection the manly way. Turning his cold-eyes towards Harry's unmoving body, he imagined what they were going to do, and eventually his XXXXXXXXXXX large sausage was straight. Voldemort smiled smugly and crept into the bed with an impatient Dumbledore and an unconscious boy.

Long story short, Harry very quickly woke up to a rather... well, let's just say... _unpleasant _scene. He tried to forget about it. After a couple of years he thought having S-E-X with another woman (Willingly) would help, he married Ginny. I think you all know the story from there, where Harry gets wonderful children and e.t.c but you see Dumbledore's intervention deeply scarred him, rather like how 'Tommy' was scarred ( Harry had heard that name screamed at least 200 hundred times, along with things like 'Barny' and 'ice-cream man'.) So Harry was left with a deep longing to have S-E-X with Dumbledore again, but since was dead, Harry had to make do with substitutes. Why'd ya think he called one of his sons 'Albus'?

THE END

AN: Please comment on how mentally scared I made you. :3

And PS, I meant no offense for the trolling Rowling comment above, just a poor joke!

…. Shall I continue? :D


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